We’ve heard it our whole lives. Moms everywhere will tell us, mothers never stop being mothers. Long after their children have all grown up, their mission remains. For these steadfastly eternal maternal guardians, we endeavor to share the secret to knowing when their job is done. One job in particular, actually. Here we shall explain how to know when it’s time to stop wiping your child’s butt:
- Cling-ons – No, we don’t mean the Star Trek warrior race, the Klingons. We’re talking about the effects upon a hairy butt from, shall we say, an especially productive visit to le toilette. Don’t make us resort to photos or YouTube here, OK? Just trust us that this phenomenon is peculiar only to certain behinds which, you may rest assured, you can leave behind.
- High Tech Clues – If his iPhone or Android falls out of his pants pocket during your wiping attempt, chances are better than 50 / 50 that he can finish the job solo. Incoming text message: To: Mom From: Us Subject: Time to put away the Baby Wipes and let Junior try his hand at it.
- Audible Clues – If your child insists that he can do it himself, it may be a sign that he’s ready to take on more responsibility. Give him room to grow and express his independence. Even if his wife shares some doubts about his ability to find it with both hands, let him work through this.
- Visual Clues – Tattoos, hickeys, pubes, body piercings, or the presence of a scantily-clad female companion named Roxanne who assures you that she’s been well-paid to do the job herself – all are potential red flags that your services are no longer required.
- Third Party Clues – Orders of Protection, Cease and Desist Letters, phone calls from psychiatrists, desperate pleas from his children to leave Daddy alone.
- Commercial Clues – If the labels on your son’s diaper read XXL, and The Naughty Boy Fantasy Collection, we’ll hazard a guess and say Mission Accomplished,Mom.
- Personal Clues – When you need to have Thelma, your hospice caregiver, wipe yours before those weekly visits from your kids, then you have once and for all washed your hands of this dirty business.